The Good Will
In the deepest caverns of hell, once upon a time there was a fat dirty bunny that ate towels. His name was onix, after the character in a game he liked. Onix liked to C-walk between Deep Cavern A and Deep Cavern B. It was good practice. He implemented C-walking to Deep Cavern B into his daily routine so that after about a month he did it automatically. “Automatic,” he thought and also “swish,” as he watched his body seamlessly transition to C-walk mode.
Onix C-walked in a zig-zag, C-walking on his left foot on the zig and the right foot on the zag. C-walking in this formation pleased him because it reminded him of when he was a clean bunny on the surface and enjoyed sail-boating. When one wants to go straight into the wind on a sailboat, one tacks in a zig-zag. Onix wasn’t C-walking with the wind though. He was C-walking in a zig zag so that both of his feet were balanced skill-wise. He was giving himself his own wind.
Satan thought this was good for Onix. “He has a goal,” thought satan.
Each week, Onix rewarded himself for keeping up with his C-walk routine by eating a whole bunch of towels in Deep Cavern B. Now, Onix always ate a whole lot of towels when he C-walked to Deep Cavern B, but on this weekly anniversary he ate a whole whole lot. So much that he almost overgrazed. He pushed the towel supply of Deep Cavern B, but he always left a little bit of towel culture that respawned quite fast, so it was okay.
When he learned to C-walk he would have the satisfaction of knowing how to C-walk, which was enough for him. Onix had few desires and they were simple ones, or so he thought he thought and said.
He desired the touch of a girl bunny.
That’s for sure.
But when you’re just eating towels in the Deepest Caverns of Hell, you forget, or rather you make yourself forget about your desire to be touched. Because you can’t make somebody touch you. They have to want to touch you. This is a good thing, a very good thing. But it makes some people sad in a weird way where they don’t think of themselves as being sad but are very sad all the time.
Onix’s mind was a bubble of sadness. A bubble with Opaque walls.
Onix’s hidden agenda with his C-walk routine was to hopefully woo a girl bunny with his skills at a club or a party some day.
Sometimes he’d ask other bunnies in hell, “hey, what’s up?” and they’d say “hey” and he’d say “you guys want to hang out?” and they never did except sometimes and those times he suddenly remembered that he had a lot of things to do and noticed that the bunnies who were like “yeah, dude. Totally” could possibly have character flaws and this was the bubble of sadness that he was trapped in.
But he had towels.
He had towels and he never, ever overgrazed. And he kept things going like this his entire life.
At the 75% mark of his life, he looked back at all his memories and shrugged and said “call it a life,” and wasn’t convinced but went on doing things the way he did them anyway.
At the end of his life, you wouldn’t believe how well he could C-walk…it was club-promoter-worthy. At the 75% mark, when he was unconvinced, something happened to his nerve endings. He couldn’t feel his nerve-endings. They were burning. The pain was so great. He prostrated himself against the wall of Deep Cavern A and screamed and shouted and no one heard him and he screamed and shouted more and he opened his eyes and he continued to do things the same way, like I said, until the end of his life, but he kind of lived, y’know, and he was very polite and things were simpler and he didn’t worry about girls.
And a girl bunny named Sarah fell into hell one day and he helped her up and licked her scabbed knees with his soothing bunny tongue even though he was sort of embarrassed to because she was a girl.
She didn’t rebuke him.
Her knees healed and she was grateful and they were friends and it turned out she didn’t mind hanging out with him even if he was in a bubble of sadness and so he taught her how to C-walk and she showed him how to do other stuff like shuffle.
He knew he was in love with her, but didn’t know how to love her from within his bubble of sadness.
But they kept meeting each other for their respective dance lessons and things eventually worked out.
The bubble of sadness was always there, but they found ways of tacking around it.
The bubble of sadness never goes away in any of us. This seems so hopeless even when you tack around it! It works better if you re-write the story.
There was a bunny. He struggled at first, but he didn’t struggle after a while and he was thankful for what he had and enjoyed his time in hell.
And after Sarah came into his life this second story was much more true. Onix had everything he needed. But what about the Romance? The action? The adventure? It was there. The kingdom of Heaven was there in Hell as well as on Earth.
You cannot break the bubble of sadness, no matter the extent of the austerities you put yourself through. Be polite and try to do good. Be grateful for what you have. Doing that will not make the bubble of sadness go away, but it will change your perception of things so that you don’t focus on it, or I mean you will focus on it just won’t be the guest on the 60 minutes week after week after week after week, I don’t know, stomp all of this earnestness into the ground, push your body to its limits, interact with lots of people, listen to everything, eat towels, eat towels tomorrow, plan your entire week of eating towels, plan your entire month of eating towels, learn to c walk, don’t learn to c walk, c walk badly, pretend to be learning to c walk in your imagination, attempt to c walk while imagining you are learning to c walk even though you don’t think you will ever learn to c walk properly, have a c walk routine, tell people you have a c walk routine even though you maybe c walk once a week for 15 minutes even though you tell yourself you c walked for half an hour, torture yourself endlessly with your awareness that you are desperately afraid of eating the last vestiges of the towel-culture and being without towels in Deep Cavern B even though you eat so many towels that you should be ravenous and far-gone enough to eat the last vestiges of towel culture without thinking and are only eating the towel supply down to its nubbins because in the deepest caverns of your mind you want a girl bunny to touch you and feel sympathy for a towel-eater who is in such a pathetic bind and how you feel this is the only way your bubble of sadness will go away but you are always too afraid of creating that much of a problem in your life even though your life already sucks. So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past – Fitzgerald. I shall go on in the same way, losing my temper with Ivan the coachman, falling into angry discussions, expressing my opinions tactlessly; there will be still the same wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people, even my wife; I shall still go on scolding her for my own terror, and being remorseful for it; I shall still be as unable to understand with my reason why I pray, and I shall still go on praying; but my life now, my whole life apart from anything that can happen to me, every minute of it is no more meaningless, as it was before, but it has the positive meaning of goodness, which I have the power to put into it.- Tolstoy